Not gonna think about it
by 100TenMillion
Summary: Courtney, Duncan and Gwen refuse to think about what they had done wrong. Warning: can be depressing. One of the rare DxG that treats Courtney, Duncan AND Gwen with equal sympathy.


Not gonna think about it

**Inspired by 'Tales of mere existence', a series by AgentXPQ. You can find it on Youtube.**

I'm not going to think about him. I'm not going to think about him. I'm not going to think about him at all, ever again.

I'm not going to think about his stupid Mohawk. I'm not going to think about his ugly piercings. I'm not going to think about his poor taste in fashion. I'm not going to think about his foul vocabulary. I'm not going to think about his poor hygiene. I'm not going to think about how his nose is slightly crooked to the left. I'm not going to think about how his left ear is slightly higher than his right. I'm not going to think about how he stunk after doing exercise. I'm not going to think about how he seldom changed his socks. I'm not going to think about how he enjoyed eating microwaved pizza over white rice and string beans. I'm not going to think how seldom he did his own laundry. I'm not going to think about the time he farted right in front of me and my brother.

I'm not going to think about the first time we met. I'm not going to think about the first time we talked. I'm not going to think about the first time we touched. I'm not going to think about what I thought of him in each of those times. I'm not going to think about the time he scared me with that immature prank of his. I'm not going to think about the night he and I accidentally cuddled. I'm not going to think about the time I made fun of his fear. I'm not going to think about the time I helped him face that fear. I'm not going to think about how he tried to help me face mine. I'm not going to think about how he made me feel better after I failed. I'm not going to think about how he convinced everyone to vote off Tyler instead of me. I'm not going to think about how that was the first time I thought there was more to him than met the eye. I'm not going to think about the time he gave DJ that replacement rabbit. I'm not going to think about how that was the day I decided I liked him, but that I would never tell anyone. I'm not going to think about our first kiss. I'm not going to think about how happy I was when we reunited at the end of the show.

I'm not going to think about how caring he is when he's not being a tough guy. I'm not going to think about how he'd express himself using wood carvings instead of words. I'm not going to think about how he'd often look at me, even when I didn't have my makeup on. I'm not going to think about how much his opinion meant to me. I'm not going to think about how much I loved his manly voice. I'm not going to think about how safe I always felt in his arms. I'm not going to think about the time he called me up at three in the morning just to hear my voice. I'm not going to think about how that call coincided with a night of stress induced insomnia. I'm not going to think about how I fell asleep easily after that call. I'm not going to think about how I once left a message in his answering machine, saying I needed to hear his voice. I'm not going to think about how I was crying as I said that. I'm not going to think about how quickly he called back. I'm not going to think about all the crap I put him through.

I'm not going to think about how I often put him in second place in my list of priorities. I'm not going to think about how I used him so often to get ahead in Total Drama Action. I'm not going to think about the time I kicked him in the penis just to best him in a game. I'm not going to think about all the physical harm I put him through just to fulfill my ambitions. I'm not going to think about how I didn't care about any of that at the time, and how I only cared about winning. I'm not going to think about how often I belittled him. I'm not going to think about how I often insulted him to his face. I'm not going to think about how often I yelled at him. I'm not going to think about how I ignored my own guilt after I did all these things. I'm not going to think about how I bottled away all my insecurities and turned them into anger. I'm not going to think about how I was so self righteous and stubborn as to admit I was doing something wrong and against everything I believed in. I'm not going to think about how I thought Duncan was a saint for putting up with all that. I'm not going to think about how badly I abused him, and I knew it. I'm not going to think about how I got off light, all things considered. I'm not going to think about how I was secretly relieved he took me back. I'm not going to think about how much of a bitch I was to him even after all that.

I'm not going to think about how much I took him for granted. I'm not going to think about how much I missed him after he left World Tour. I'm not going to think about how badly I wanted to see him again. I'm not going to think about the times I wished I could cry, but I wouldn't allow myself to do so because I had an image to maintain. I'm not going to think about how happy I was the day he came back. I'm not going to think about the sinking feeling I had every time I saw him looking at Gwen. I'm not going to think about how I felt when I found out about how he kissed her behind my back. I'm not going to think about how I hated them both for what they did. I'm not going to think about how I hated him for cheating on me. I'm not going to think about how badly I wanted all that to be a nightmare and not reality. I'm not going to think about how I wanted God to hit the big reset button in the sky. I'm not going to think about how humiliated I felt the day I realized he stopped caring about me at all.

I'm not going to think about how, deep down, I knew this was karma biting me in the ass. I'm not going to think about how he's so happy with Gwen now. I'm not going to think about how much more relaxed he seems with her these days. I'm not going to think about how toxic our relationship was to him. I'm not going to think about how, in the end, I brought all this on myself.


End file.
